Think of something your partner did or does that really upsets you.
Maybe he lied about staying late for work, but later you found out he really went for a drink with a buddy.
Maybe she keeps buying things impulsively online, even though you’ve both talked about sticking to your budget.
Or, maybe it’s something more pervasive and ongoing – that you don’t feel heard by your mate, or you feel constantly criticized by him or her.
Whatever it is, there’s no question in your mind that your partner did something wrong – or keeps doing it.
This “wrong thing” takes up a lot of space in your head – you spend time thinking about the issue, and you can go into a rabbit-hole spin about it.
In fact, if you think about it enough, you really get worked up.
How dare he do such a thing?
How can he get away with behavior like that?
Who does she think she is?
The Drain Of Blame
You don’t miss an opportunity to remind your partner about that thing he did:
How could you do that?
What were you thinking?
You want to make sure your partner realizes the gravity of the situation. You want her to make things right – to “see the light,” make amends, and vow to do better. You want to fix this right now!
Or, you might take the passive-aggressive approach. You withhold attention and affection – even if your partner does try to apologize and make it up to you. No, you’re not about to give in so easily.
You might even talk to other people and tell them your “story” over and over about what your partner did – you’re absolutely convinced you’ve been wronged. They will probably agree with you.
And maybe you have been wronged.
But our point in illustrating how you are responding to the wrongdoing is to show you that those responses are not doing you any good.
Even if you’ve been wronged, staying stuck in blame drains a lot of energy and doesn’t move you any closer to resolution.
What’s Really Happening: Projection
Any time you place the blame for something squarely on your partner, you’re likely projecting.
Projection is a clever mechanism your subconscious mind uses to make your partner responsible for your old wounds. It’s like creating a movie and forgetting that you’re the director and the camera person. It really looks like it’s all about your partner.
Even though your partner may have lied to you, the event triggers a deeper pain in you, and you start reacting from that old place.
So, for instance, if you had a parent who disappointed you – or you found out about a secret that was hidden from you – your partner’s lie today could create a very strong reaction in you.
Or, if you grew up poor and you knew your mom was always waiting for the child-support check to come in the mail, your wife’s spendful ways could trigger instant panic in you.
The thing about projection is that on the surface it looks like your partner is truly responsible for your upset. But he or she was merely the trigger.
How To Tell If You’re Projecting
Whenever you feel really wronged or have a sense of righteousness and indignation about an issue, you’re likely projecting.
Whenever you feel the urgent need to resolve a problem with your partner, you’re likely projecting as well.
That’s because whenever you’re stuck in projection, you’re operating from your younger, wounded self.
As a child, you felt devastated if a parent disappointed you. You depended on your parents for security, and, in your mind, your very survival was tied to their love and attention.
Today, if you’re in a romantic relationship and your partner does something that triggers an old wound, you immediately get thrown into “life or death mode” – this issue needs to be made right, right now!
The problem with projection is that it keeps you from understanding the true source of your pain – which means you won’t be able to address the issue. It’s like trying to get to Munich but telling the GPS to lead you to Berlin.
You’re not going to get to the right place, and you’re going to eat up a lot of time and mileage in the process.
(***Note: Projection is not an excuse for abuse in a relationship. If you find yourself in a situation that compromises your physical well-being, we urge you to seek appropriate professional help.)
Finally Making Things Right
As long as you stay stuck in projection, you stay stuck in pain.
Until you recognize and clear up your projections, you will keep repeating the same negative patterns in your relationships, meaning that if you break up with your current partner, you’ll simply recreate the pain with someone else.
You see, when you haven’t cleared up the source of your own projections, you tend to attract other people who bring along their own cartload of projections, resulting in a recipe for ongoing misery.
Projections turn relationships into entanglements – meaning that you’re constantly in a power struggle rather than a harmonious partnership.
Entanglements can be deceiving. On the outside, entanglements look like real relationships – you’re a couple, you may live together, you may have a family.
But entanglements are loaded with discord. You might not feel that your partner really “gets” you or listens to you. You may secretly think there’s something better for you out there. You’re not completely happy, and it seems to you that your partner is the reason why. And the reason? Projections are driving the entanglement.
When two people are unconsciously playing out old wounds with each other, they create a situation fraught with blame and discord – the opposite of a harmonious relationship.
Healing Hands – Holistic Realtionship Coaching with Silvio
When you work with us, you’ll dig down into the underlying obstacles that cause you to project pain onto your partner, which keeps you from ever truly being happy in any relationship.
We’ll tell you about the common fears you may be bringing into a relationship – fears that, until you become aware of them, will keep you trapped in projection. If you keep experiencing similar disappointment from relationship to relationship, you can be fairly sure you’re carrying your fears – and your projections – from partner to partner.
You’ll also learn how to recognize the many subtle signs of entanglements and how to break this pattern so you can truly move on from conflict and authentically connect with those you love.
In our coachings, you’ll also learn:
- The common ways partners unwittingly project past hurts onto each other – and end up fighting about the wrong thing
- How to turn an entanglement into a harmonious relationship – one that is free of blame and criticism.
- The two fears most people bring into a relationship (if you’ve ever had a partner pull away from you after things were going well, you’ll want to pay close attention)
- How successful couples create deep intimacy AND maintain their sense of individuality
- How to know if you and your partner have what it takes to have a healthy, lasting relationship
- Projections are the biggest energy drain in your relationship – and in your life. You’re eating up precious energy – energy that can be used to create new solutions and move you toward the life you crave.
- Once you recognize your projections you’ll suddenly free up creative resources within you to start generating the peace and harmony you’ve been after all along.
- The secret to permanently transforming your love life cannot be learned just through reading or listening.
- You need to incorporate your whole body.
- How many times have you read an article, or a book, or watched a talk show and learned something really valuable, put it into practice, and then forgot about it after the initial “aha” wore off?
- How many times did you start something and give it up a few days or weeks later?
- There’s a reason this keeps happening.
- It’s because you didn’t enlist your most powerful asset in helping your transformation: your body.
- The problems you need to solve go deeper than your conscious mind… so you need a deeper solution if you want to trigger meaningful change.
- That’s why a cornerstone of all of our teaching is in full body intelligence.
Reconciling Our Fear Of Getting Close And Being Alone
- Everything we create enlists all of your emotional, mental and physical being to get the results you want.
- Reconciling Our Fear Of Getting Close And Being Alone
The two fears you and your partner will likely experience when you fall in love – and how to keep these feelings from damaging your relationship
- How to put an end to the stubborn negative patterns you’ve experienced in romantic relationships so you can embrace genuine lasting love
- Why fighting doesn’t mean you’ve chosen the wrong partner – and how to start enjoying true relationship bliss
Balancing Unity and Autonomy
- Have people said you’re too needy? Or are you the one who asks for more space? We’ll explain this common relationship dynamic
- The secret to having a relationship where both of you feel deeply connected and yet completely free to be yourselves
- How to feel safe and secure in your relationships – even if fear of abandonment has plagued you in the past
Recognizing and Resolving Entanglements
- Some relationships are actually entanglements and will never make you happy – we’ll show you how to tell the difference
- The real reason some couples are able to work through conflict while others will grow more and more disconnected
- Why your romantic past does not dictate your future – here’s how to create the relationship you’ve been waiting for
- Why your attempts at handling problems in your relationship have left you frustrated
- How to stop working so hard on your relationship – we’ll teach you a refreshing approach for eliminating even age-old issues
- The real reason you and your partner fight about sex and money – and what to do about it
Healing Hands Luxembourg WWW.HEALING.LU
Dedicated to your health, wellbeing. personal healing, personal growth and discovery.
Life and Health Coaching, Holistic Relationship Coaching
Transformative Yoga, Therapeutic Healing Yoga, Excellent skillful physio-energetic treatments, dynamic and osteopathic,
Powerful Energy Healing
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